Is It Too Early To Say I Love You?

One three-word phrase can surely be tricky, huh? 

There’s a big difference between feeling an emotion and expressing it to someone else comfortably. Even if you’ve been in a relationship with your partner for an amount of time that feels right to you and you feel ready to tell them ‘I love you’, it’s only natural to have some jitters.

Should you say it first or wait until they say it first? Make it a moment or drop it casually?

I love you.

When to Say I Love You?

I love you.

Sometimes, it can be the hardest thing to say, and other times it can feel so natural. Either way, the first time you say it is a big one. If your partner hasn’t said it yet, you don’t know if they feel the same yet. Maybe your relationship is on a good path, but everyone falls in love at different rates.

What if you say ‘I love you’ and they just look at you blankly? How embarrassing!!

First, you need to think about what the expectation is by saying ‘I love you’. You could be expecting an exchange of ‘I love yous’ or maybe you just want your partner to know that you have a deepening level of affection for them. Not to mention, what does it mean to say ‘I love you’? Are you saying that you’re in love and want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Maybe you simply mean, ‘I love spending time together and being so close to you”.

Love means something different to everyone. It doesn’t mean you’re not ready to say it.

These are just things to be considered. But we still haven’t answered the question: WHO should say it first?

Who Should Say ‘I Love You’ First?

Statistically, men typically say the magic words first.

Studies have also suggested  that Baby Boomer men and women date very differently from Millennials. They lean into the more traditional methods of dating. Whereas, Millennials have changed the rules around who asks for the first date and who says I love you first. That doesn’t mean if you’re from the Babyboomer generation that you have to wait for him to say it.

It is extremely logical that women can say it first without emasculating their men. And what about same-sex couples - then who says it first?

With the Baby Boomers' belief, they suggest that the man say it first because they are raised with the idea that once they profess their love to you and the world, then they are committed to the relationship. If you say ‘I love you’ before he’s ready, it could scare him, and potentially end the relationship. 

The more modern approach suggests saying ‘I love you’ when the timing is right for growth in the relationship. Dr. Jenn Mann, psychotherapist, host of VH1’s Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn, and author of The Relationship Fix, suggests that currently, men in their 20s and 30s are more open to emotional vulnerability than men in their 50s and 60s. Older men are still operating off of old beliefs of courtship and chivalry. For these guys, this includes being the first to profess their love to their partners.

Does it matter who says I love you first?

Maybe who isn’t the question - we’ve already established that either person can healthily express love first. Perhaps the question should be ‘when’?

Dr. Mann suggests too many profess their love within the 6 - 18 month honeymoon phase. This is the phase of the relationship where most people are blinded by excitement. While she doesn’t say it’s necessarily a bad thing, just simply that excitement can be mistaken as love.

So, here is what I think about who should say it first.

When to Say ‘I Love You’ in a Relationship

Is it fair to tell your partner you love them without considering where they are in the relationship? Maybe, but you should definitely have a feel for the situation.

Not everyone moves at the same pace in relationships. One of you will feel the love before the other one does, and that is completely ok! That is natural. But when someone tells us they love us we feel obligated to say it back. Or it can make us very uncomfortable.

So, as I said, read the room. Try to be more in tune with your partner’s emotions. Consider waiting if you think it’s too soon to say it and find another way to say ‘I love you’ (see my earlier post on how to say ‘I love you’ without dropping the L bomb). Here is a list of things to consider before you tell your partner that you love them:

• What stage of the relationship are you in?

• How much quality time are you spending together?

• WHAT do you love about your partner?

• What reasons does your partner have to say it back to you at this point?

Again, these are just things to think about before you say it. Ultimately, we overthink a lot. 

If you feel like you want to tell someone you love them, then you tell them! Since when has being loved ever been a bad thing? We love to be loved. Just don’t expect it to be returned, at least not yet. Allow your partner time to say it when they are ready.